I remember the very first time I experienced real-life drama and how it was both scary and exciting at the same time. It involved Jill Zarin and her assistant, Maggie, who were engaged in a bullying campaign against me to try to coerce me to remove a post.

I remember how drama-fied I was, so I really enjoyed watching the shock on the faces of Heather Dubrow, and her husband, Terry, on this most recent episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County when they got to experience real-life drama, first hand.

Notice the quiet observers in the background. They looked like they were really loving it, too.

People, this is the stuff most of us only dream about or get to see on tv, it’s the stuff we people talk about on twitter or blog about, and there, right smack dab in the middle of it all, stood the Dubrows.  They had a tremendous vantage point and they could have even gotten hurt had someone started hurling cocktail plates or glasses.

I liked that they were able to stand in the corner, quietly observing the high, electrifying drama going on before them.  Could they have been as amused and entertained as we were at home?

I wondered.

I’m sure that Heather and Terri didn’t get the memo about how the Real Housewives of Orange County are known for their drama and I wondered if they ever dreamt that they would experience such stuff in real life.

It was so much fun to experience this “first” with them.

The fight was intense and Vicki marched in wanting to cause a scene.  Tamara saw it in her eyes when she marched back in.  “Uh oh” she said “this can’t be good.”

I braced myself and the screaming started. First Vicki, then Slade, then Gretchen, then back to Vicki. It was like a high-voltage ping-pong match with one of them coming completely unglued.

And, then, just when I thought that Heather and Terry actually had the best vantage point of all, they almost got sucked right into the drama when the Vicki tornado walked directly over to them without. missing. one. effing. beat.

Run, I thought.  Run, get out of her way. That girl is smoking crack. That’s what Gretchen just said and I was absolutely sure Gretchen knew what she was talking about.

What’s about to happen?, I wondered.  With Vicki screaming “unless you’ve had a child come out of your vagina, you don’t know what it’s like” at the top of her lungs…I just didn’t know what could possibly be next.  Are vaginas going to be ripped out?  Could Vicki be making a run for Dr. Dubrow?

I surely don’t know what people do when they’ve been smoking crack.  Do they walk over to quiet observers and suck them into the drama?  Do they pull out guns and start shooting at bystanders?

Is this what crack smokers look like?

Suddenly I was horrified and drama-fied all at the same time and then, the unthinkable happened.

The unimaginable, really.

Vicki walked right over to Dr. Dubrow, threw her arm around him and kissed his cheek and then did the same thing to Heather, whilst at the same time saying “Love you guys”.

Holy guacamole!

How could she be thinking about loving someone at the same time that she’s screaming at someone else?  How could she talk about beautiful and lovely vaginas in the most fowl way at the top of her lungs and then pause to tell someone she loves them?   Boy, that crack is something else!!

Then, weirder still, she walks out and says “He’s a piece of shit. He is a piece of shit.  That guy is a piece of shit.” and then, did you catch this??? she said, as if she were the quiet observer…”This stuff is disgusting”.  What?  Did you just say “this stuff is disgusting” as if you weren’t the “stuff”?

Oh, Gunvalson, we’re going to have to get you some help, baby. Did you really think you were standing back against the wall like the Dubrows just watching all that drama unfold?  Did you have feelings like you were looking down on some kind of movie that was being played out in front of you?  Was your heart palpitating?  Do you remember walking over to Heather and Terri  and hugging them or did you “see” that in your dream, too?

Whew.  It’s a good thing Tamara walked her out and ever-so-calmly said ”I want you to calm down. I want you to calm down.”

Uh oh. She's going down.

All I could think was this girl is going down just like Jill Zarin did.  She’s going stark-raving mad.  All I could do was to think “call the Medics.  This girl needs a straight jacket!!” and then I imagined us all watching them roll Miss Piggy out, her screaming about vaginas, and the Dubrows saying “Whew…there goes another whacked-out housewife”.

Now THAT was drama.  Sorry you had to witness that, Dubrows, and hope you don’t get sucked in next time. 

(we’ll get to the rest of the show next)

Your friend,